Why I hate “Elf on the Shelf” - Happily Family (2024)

Hello there,

I don’t know so much about folks in different countries, but here in the US we’ve had “Elf on the Shelf” for a few years.

It’s a cute stuffed elf that you’re supposed to hide around the house, on your mantle or shelf.

This elf then “sees” if the kids in the house behave or not and it “reports” to Santa Claus about your kids so they will get the proper amount of presents.

Really?

Isn’t it bad enough for children to have a vague (or explicit) threat from Santa Claus year round that if they don’t behave they won’t get presents?

Now there’s an elf informant… living in the child’s own house?!

#1 “Elf on the Shelf” encourages children to be deceitful.

The first problem I have with “Elf on the Shelf” is that it promotes sneakiness in children. I’ve heard stories of thoughtful children putting the elf in a box, turning him around, or covering him up so he can’t “see” them. Rather than inspiring good behavior, Elf on the Shelf inspires “how can I still do what I want and get away with it”.

Don’t misunderstand me here. I don’t think children need to be perfect all the time, but I certainly don’t want to create situations where children think they’re “getting away with something”.

#2 “Elf on the Shelf” focuses children on “getting” rather than “giving”.

“Elf on the Shelf”, as well as any other “behave-or-you-won’t-get-gifts” threat, focuses the child on herself and on the gifts that she is going to get, rather than on what she will give to others.

Most parents want their children, during the holidays AND the rest of the year, to be focused on giving to others, providing for the less fortunate, and imagining what others might like to receive–these cognitive tasks are already a developmental stretch for young children.

So, if you scare a child into thinking “I might not get any Christmas gifts” then you make it less likely that the child will be able to think about giving and being generous to others. We can only be generous when we know that we have enough, it’s easy to share if you have an abundance or if you know that the universe will provide for you. It’s hard to share when you’re scared.

#3 “Elf on the Shelf” decrease children’s motivation.

“Elf on the Shelf” undermines a child’s natural motivation to try hard and do her best. For example, if a child cleans up her room in the hope of getting more presents at Christmas, she’ll be less likely to clean up her room at other times of the year, because there’s no incentive. Why? Because getting an incentive for something lessens the enjoyment of the task itself. Cleaning a bedroom may not be inherently joyful, but even children enjoy being in a clean room.

Once a child is given a reward for something (like cleaning) it robs them the enjoyment that comes from having a clean room or, Heaven forbid!, the enjoyment that comes from cleaning itself. Don’t believe me? That’s okay. There’s an entire branch of psychology that has discovered that rewards almost always undermine a child’s natural motivation, lessen the enjoyment of the task itself, and decrease performance (You can read all about it in Alfie Kohn’s books Unconditional Parenting and Punished by Rewards).

So, I hope that I haven’t offended anyone here. I’m not really a grinch. I love the holidays–the lights, the smells, the time with family, doing traditional activities, creating new traditions, the songs, and the gift giving.

I do believe in supporting children to get what they truly want in life–more connection, joy and love. I don’t believe in the subtle, or overt threats that we tell children about Santa or “Elf on the Shelf” not giving them gifts.

Do you think I’m going overboard with the whole “Elf on the Shelf” thing? Have you found positive ways for using the elf in your own family? I’d love to hear from you.

I will get off my soap box now. Thank you for reading.

May you and your family be filled with warmth, love, and light for the Holidays and every day!
Cecilia Hilkey

Greetings, I'm an expert on child development and parenting practices, deeply rooted in the psychology and educational aspects of nurturing young minds. My expertise extends to understanding the impact of various tools and traditions on children's behavior, motivation, and overall well-being.

Now, let's delve into the concepts discussed in the article by Cecilia Hilkey:

Elf on the Shelf as a Deceitful Influence: Cecilia raises a valid concern about how the Elf on the Shelf concept may inadvertently encourage sneakiness in children. This observation aligns with psychological theories on the unintended consequences of incentivizing good behavior through surveillance. Studies have explored how external monitoring can sometimes lead to a focus on avoiding punishment rather than internalizing values.
Focus on Receiving Rather than Giving: The article highlights how the Elf on the Shelf, along with similar behavior-based gift threats, shifts children's focus towards receiving gifts rather than fostering a spirit of giving. This aligns with developmental psychology principles, emphasizing the importance of encouraging prosocial behavior and altruism in children for their holistic development.
Impact on Children's Motivation: Cecilia discusses the potential negative impact of Elf on the Shelf on a child's intrinsic motivation. This resonates with established psychological theories, such as those put forth by Alfie Kohn, suggesting that rewards and external incentives can diminish the inherent joy derived from a task. The article suggests that this might lead to a decreased motivation for positive behavior outside the holiday season.
The Importance of Positive Reinforcement: The article touches upon the significance of positive reinforcement without resorting to threats or intimidation. This aligns with positive parenting strategies, emphasizing the use of encouragement and positive reinforcement to foster good behavior rather than relying on fear-based tactics.
Encouraging Intrinsic Motivation: Cecilia advocates for nurturing a child's natural motivation by allowing them to find joy in their accomplishments without relying on external rewards. This aligns with research in psychology that emphasizes the importance of intrinsic motivation for long-term engagement and satisfaction in various activities.

In summary, Cecilia Hilkey's article provides valuable insights into the potential drawbacks of the Elf on the Shelf tradition, drawing on principles from psychology and child development. The concepts discussed shed light on the importance of fostering genuine motivation, encouraging prosocial behavior, and promoting positive reinforcement in child-rearing practices.